Friday, January 6, 2012

It's been a year

2011 was one for the books, for sure. A big year for our family.

It was one year ago today that we learned that Daniel probably had dwarfism. I was 19-weeks pregnant and we were all excited to learn if the baby was a boy or a girl. We brought Charlie with us to the appointment so we could all find out together. I'll never forget how he sweetly asked, "Is it a brother?" as soon as we got a peek at the baby.

It actually feels like much longer than one year ago, even though it's still pretty fresh in my mind. On the screen I could see numbers like "15" and "14," but until the ultrasound was over, I didn't realize that there was cause for concern. We should have been expecting those numbers to say "19," indicating normal growth.

It was the next day that our maternal-fetal specialists confirmed the dwarfism and suggested it might be a lethal condition. I remember feeling like I was the only mother who had ever learned, mid-pregnancy, that her baby was probably going to die, but that he would be fine as long as I was pregnant. How was I going to do it?

But I did it. It has been almost 8 months now since Daniel was born. It was a monumental year. The birth and death of our baby. Our 10th wedding anniversary. My 30th birthday.

I am not usually sentimental about a new year, but I was this year. On one hand, I was anxious to start a new, hopefully easier year. On the other, I was hesitant to let this one come to a close. It was Daniel's year, and starting a new year kind of felt like closing another chapter.

But I do feel like I have a fresh start with this new year. I feel like it's a whole new decade for me. My thirties, and double-digits in my years of marriage, and a new year on the calendar that hopefully will have less sorrow associated with it.

But I am thankful for 2011. It has changed me in good ways. And the truth is, if I had to choose between being Daniel's mother this way or not at all, I would choose this. I am thankful for him and how his life has changed mine.

It was a year ago today that I came home from that ultrasound appointment and found myself standing alone in my kitchen, looking around my house. I remember how even though I was in such a familiar place, everything looked and felt unfamiliar. Everything had changed. And not just for that day, but forever. Whatever the outcome, we would never be the same.

12 comments:

MandaJ said...

Perfect Post. You're an inspiration to me.

Katie said...

I was just thinking about you last night and telling Aaron about your ultrasound where you found out. Sending love your way!!

Diana said...

Awesome Post. Daniel is blessing so many in such a small time he was on this earth. What a spiritual giant he must be.

Brandi said...

What a year indeed! Sometimes I think the roughest experiences bring out the some of the best moments. Love YOU!! Tell Cassy to plan an outing :)

Becky said...

You have been in my thoughts literally every day for at least the last nine months.
I love your approach to life and your ability to participate in it fully, regardless of how badly some of it hurts.
You amaze me and I love you for it.
I've learned to be more thankful because of you, to be more mindful, and mostly, to be grateful.

**nicke... said...

i love you!

Anne Marie said...

Emily, this is absolutely beautiful. I am amazed by all that you have shared about your time with Daniel. Thank you for sharing your heart. Daniel is one very, very lucky boy to have you and Dave as his parents.

*LaUrA* said...

Love you! I hope 2012 is amazing for you...(and for me too if you don't mind:)

artsy ann said...

I love you Emily !

Jessica Newby said...

I love you too, Em!

miss diddly said...

Here's to the rest of your good life! And bring on the 30's!!!!! so so wierd to be getting older and still feeling like 18.

Emily said...

Laura, it was! For you too, huh?