Update

Cross-posted on my family blog, because I didn't know how else to do it this time. :)

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It's about time for me to post something here. I haven't blogged for a while because I have felt like anything coming after the most recent posts needed to be thoughtful and not just an any-day kind of post. So bear with me.

I just realized that I haven't actually posted anything about Daniel's birth. I guess I wasn't up for it when it had just happened, and my brain is a little fuzzy lately, and I thought I had written something about it.

I have written about it on a secret blog that I don't plan to keep secret for very long. I have a plan, and I just need to get myself completely on board before I let everybody else in. But I will share the link soon, I hope.

We are doing pretty well. Some days are great, and then I'll have a string of really hard days. I really miss my boy. I am glad we have all the keepsakes that we do. We were able to keep his hospital blankets, and we have perfect prints of his hands and feet and molds of his right hand and his right foot. Daniel was given two little rings in the hospital that he wore while we had him, and I keep one of those on my locket with his picture inside.

In some ways I feel like I still have him. Like I have a different kind of baby. And I know that I do. It's sad that I don't get to have him here with me, but his life has had a profound impact on mine, and hopefully others' as well. And I know that I will have him again someday. I've always known it, but I have also had some special experiences to reassure me of that. Things that have verified to me that there is more to life than we can see.

Daniel's funeral was wonderful. It was a beautiful, peaceful day. My dad gave a beautiful talk. Someday I will type it up and share it (or if anyone wants a copy of the audio from the funeral, let me know and send me your address). My dad is wonderful, and I was so grateful for the words he shared that day and the love he has for me and my family. No one in this whole world has a better dad.

We were so thankful that David's maternal grandfather and grandmother were also there with us on that day. They were on a cross-country trip that they had been planning for months (years?), and they just happened to be in our area at the time of Daniel's funeral. What a real blessing! It was so wonderful to see them, and Pap Pap (Dave's grandpa) was good enough to speak at Daniel's funeral, too. He is an amazing man with the most tangible testimony of the gospel that I have ever known. He and his wife also lost a baby, and he shared some of that experience and what he learned from it.

If you know my little brother, Joel, you probably know that he is a beautiful musician. He has such a beautiful touch on the piano, so we asked him if he could prepare a hymn medley for the service. We asked him to include "Come, Come Ye Saints" and "I Know that My Redeemer Lives." It was perfect. I wish I had it on paper so I could play it every day. His beautiful, peaceful music really carried the Spirit through the meeting.

After Joel's music, Dave spoke. I shared his talk in a previous post, but it was even more amazing in person, hearing it right from his mouth. If you didn't know it already, Dave is an amazing person. I am a lucky girl to have him, and to have a husband with such a strong desire to please his Heavenly Father. There were many tender moments before Daniel's birth and during his short life when I got to see what a truly wonderful husband I have been blessed with.

This may seem an odd time for an endorsement, but I just have to say how wonderful it was to work with Myers Mortuary in Ogden, and White's Mortuary in Twin Falls. Both groups were incredibly sensitive to us. They made it as easy as possible, and they were just so caring. I actually ran into Tracy from Myers at a funeral a few weeks ago. He was the one who came to take Daniel from the hospital. When I saw him, I had such a feeling of love for him and the way he took care of us and our baby. He wouldn't have recognized me (I was probably not at my cutest on the day we met in the hospital), but when I told him who I was, he gave me a hug and we just had a little moment. I told him how much I appreciated the way he took care of us that day. It really does take a special person to be able to do what he does. And Trent at White's was just as amazing in his role.

And while I'm on the topic, I have to say how blessed we were with amazing care providers during my pregnancy and at McKay-Dee during and after Daniel's birth. I met with a couple other TD moms yesterday, and for the first time I realized that my positive experience with my care providers was not just a given. We were truly blessed with amazing people. Our doctors and their staff didn't sugarcoat anything, but they were still somehow so gentle. I never knew I could love my doctor as much as I love both of the perinatologists we worked with at McKay-Dee for those months (and one of them delivered Daniel, too). I will certainly be writing them tear-soaked thank you cards when I get my act together and write thank you cards.

It has been three months since we said goodbye to our baby. I still can't believe that we just did this. Sometimes it is like an out-of-body experience, like I am just watching it happen. Sometimes I force myself into it, to really feel everything and really focus and realize how much has changed. Our family has changed and there are some pretty major personality traits of mine that have changed. Hopefully for the better.

There is more to share, but it will have to be another day. I really just needed to break the ice again. Thanks to everyone who has been so loving and supportive to us this year. We have needed it, and we have been really thankful for it. And thank you so much for all your prayers.